When is it my turn??

I honestly feel like i’m doing something wrong.

River is 14 months old and his sleeping is so up and down. I get weeks of him sleeping well, and then all of a sudden it goes down hill again. Its so frustrating, i just wonder what i’m doing wrong.

In my head i know it’s probably nothing to do with me, he’s probably teething (aren’t they always) or going through a growth spurt, either way i just can’t help but feel a sense of guilt or a small amount of mummy failure.

Someone recommended the Tizzy Hall book “Save our Sleep” to me and i started to follow her routines from around 8 weeks, by 10 weeks River was sleeping from 7pm till 7am, it was absolute bliss and i had this feeling of accomplishment, i was totally nailing this motherhood thing.

Then the 4 month growth spurt hit, it shook my confidence a bit and he was back to waking around 2 times a night. That lasted for a very long 3 weeks or so, then his sleeping went right back to normal again, which was awesome.

Tizzy’s routine’s include a dream feed at around 10pm, i did this with River and it worked well. I’d actually leant the book to a girlfriend so i never read the part about how to wean them off it or when to do so. I just went cold turkey after River started sleeping back through after the 4 month growth spurt.

Then the 6 months growth spurt hit and his sleeping went back to crap again, that one lasted about 3 weeks to a month again and each time his sleeping went back down hill i would start the dream feed again in the hopes it would help him sleep back through, eventually he did and this would be the pattern right up un till this very day.

Since River’s birthday in July he’s had 2 periods of not sleeping well and by not sleeping well i mean he’s waking at least once. When he turned one and i switched him to cow’s milk he slept through for nearly 2 weeks which was then swiftly followed by 3 weeks of the worst sleep he’s had in ages.

Turns out he cut a molar and i also think the cows milk was upsetting his tummy as he was super spewy. I switched to A2 and within 2-3 days his personality changed 10 fold and i had my old happy baby back, he’s sleeping also turned around again to.

For nearly another 2 weeks he was sleeping through, now when i say he was sleeping through, i was giving him a dream feed at about 10pm before i went to bed and he was waking up at about 5-5:30am.

Like i said, that lasted for about 2 weeks and for probably the last week and a half he’s been waking up again.

I’m just so tired and i don’t know what else i should do.

Last night i thought, that’s it, maybe he’s just getting to used to waking up and getting a bottle, so if he wakes up i’ll just let him whinge for a bit, i also didn’t give him the dream feed either.

Well, i was woken up at 11:15pm, then 1am then 4:30am, i caved in each time and gave him a little bottle. When you’re so tired it’s very easy to just give in and give them a bottle, i just wanted to stop the whinging and get back to sleep.

Mumma’s i need help, i need either advice or to know i’m not alone, because at the moment i feel like River is the only 14 month old who is still waking through the night, apparently everyone else’s babies sleep through, what the hell do i have to do for bloody 6hrs of consecutive sleep? See, i’m not even being greedy and saying 8hrs, i’m that desperate, i’ll take the 6 thanks!

 

When is it my turn??

We finally have a walker!

River took his first steps at 11 months.

We were at my parents house, mum was sitting on the ground and i was walking with River in front of me holding both his little hands, we walked towards mum and just as we got close, i let go, it was at that moment he took his first ever wobbly steps, before gently falling into his nanny.

It was a seriously proud moment, we clapped and cheered like mad men, everyone assured me it wouldn’t be long and he’d be running circles around me and then of course i’d be sorry i’d ever wished for him to be on 2 legs!

To be honest, there was a little mummy competition going on in my head, i hoped he would be walking soon because some of his little mates were nearly there and they were younger then him!

I know, i know, babies develop at different stages and each babies different blah blah blah well of course i wanted my little River to do it first! (joking…but sort of not joking) haha!

Well, turns out he wasn’t the first of his little baby friends, he wasn’t even the second!

A month or so went by and Riv man thought, “why am i bothering with this walking business? When i’m a little speedy gonzalas at crawling!”

I was lucky to get 2 steps out of him before he’d just lower back down and start crawling again.

As time went by, i noticed he took the most steps when he wasn’t thinking about it. If he was just standing there and suddenly thought, “hey i must have that squeaky giraffe toy over there”, and just went for it, we could get 5 or 6 steps out of him, then we’d all clap and carry on, he’d realise what he had done and gently lower himself back down and start crawling again.

Does it make me a pushy parent if it kind of frustrated me a little when he would lower himself back down to crawl after just walking? I would say to him, ” You were just walking, don’t you know how much faster it will be if you just walked?” But he was all like, “mum, i’m a baby, just let me do my thing”…so i did, i got over it, i just let him do his thing.

Over the past week River has jumped it up a notch in the walking stakes, i can’t believe how in just one week, River has gone from taking about 4 steps every now and then to full on walking. Today i think i saw him crawl twice, he falls down and instead of staying down and crawling, he dust’s himself off, gets up and starts walking again, my clever little man.

So about 2 months after he took his first ever two steps, he is now a fully fledged walker, albeit he looks like a slightly crazy, drunk midget, he is a walker none the less.

13 months, 1 week and 2 days old and i have a clever little walker man.

 

Transition complete! – Formula to cows milk

Well that was easier then i thought it was going to be!!

3 days ago i decided to transition River from formula to cows milk.

I actually didn’t even know that’s what you were supposed to do, one of Jamie’s cousins asked me when i was going to transition him over? And i was all like, “ummm, what does that mean?” If it wasn’t for her, who knows how long he’d be on it for,  just another thing i didn’t know you were supposed to do.

I mean, i guess it’s all personnel preference though. Health professionals say that after 12 months baby can move onto just cows milk, as River’s formula was bloody expensive and he eats like a horse anyway (so he was getting his vitamins and nutrients) i jumped at the chance to wean him off.

During the day River man has 2 bottles, 1 before his morning sleep and 1 before his arvo sleep, both are 180ml with 3 scoops of formula. So the first time i gave him cows milk i gave him 100ml water, 80ml cows milk and 2 scoops of formula, he took it like a champ, no worries.

For the next bottle i bumped it up to 100ml cows milk, 80ml water and 1 scoop formula. Again, no worries.

For his night time bottle he usually has 240ml with 4 scoops, but that night i gave him 200ml of milk, 40ml water and 2 scoops of formula, again he gulped it down.

As he took to the cows milk like a pro, the next day i just flagged the formula all together and just gave him straight milk and he didn’t even bat an eyelid, as soon as that bottle hit his lips that was it, gulp, gulp,gulp and it was gone.

I had seriously prepared myself for the worst but for once things have been easy!

To top it all off the past 3 nights he’s slept right through and last night for the first time in months, i thought i’d try not giving him his dream feed bottle at 10pm and see what happens and do you know what happened? He slept through!! The illusive 7pm till 7am.

I’m sure now that i’ve mentioned him sleeping through, tonight he’ll be up half a dozen times, murphy’s bloody law, fingers crossed though, maybe we’re on a roll!! 🙂

 

Got milk??

River’s first haircut

11 months, 1 week and 5 days was the age that River man got his first hair cut!

I’d been so reluctant to get little man’s hair cut, i’d held my ground firmly against the persistence of River’s nanny and granny telling me he needed a trim, i just couldn’t bring myself to do it  but yesterday as i looked at River with his hair in his eyes i caved in.

I was getting a haircut myself, i looked at River, he was blinking and his little Justin Bieber fringe was totally in his eyes, so through gritted teeth i asked the hairdresser if she’d take a little bit off his fringe.

She casually said sure, i don’t think she understood the importance of this milestone for me, it may seem really silly but i was super attached to his hair for some reason, like it was a connection to him being a tiny little baby, might sound a little bonkers but it made sense to me.

She snipped away and i sat on the edge of my seat, making sure she didn’t take to much off. It all went well and she even put the precious, freshly cut baby locks into a zip lock bag for me to keep.

It now sits in River’s top draw, another memory tucked away, another little milestone ticked off in the life of River James – West Laidlaw, my love, my life.

 

Baby hair!

Bieber fringe post haircut!!

Maybe he’s cold??

Maybe, just maybe i’ve cracked the secret sleeping baby code…well for River man anyway.

It had been a rough couple of weeks, my partner was away, River had a cold and was waking at least once, sometimes twice through the night and i was just plain old exhausted, what i wouldn’t have done for a full nights sleep.

River’s cold started to clear up and i started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, i thought for sure his sleeping would get back to some sort of normality once the pesky cold went away.

As you all know though, with babies generally one thing goes away and another road block pops up to screw up their sleep. As soon as his cold went away River started wetting through his nappy at night…awesome!

There is no better parenting moment then getting up at 3am in the cold to change your screaming babies sheets, clothes and nappy when you, yourself have to get up in a few hours for work, just bliss (note the sarcasm)!

It got me searching for answers as to what i could do to prevent this from happening and give me some well needed consecutive hours sleep.

I turned to the mumma’s on my page Love and Late Nights Mumma for some advice.

I got a few expected responses like going up a size in nappy and changing his nappy before i went to bed, then i also got a response i’d never really thought of before, and that’s maybe he’s cold. Apparently being cold can cause them to pee more frequently, to me, i didn’t really get it but after going up a size in nappy and River still waking up with an extremely full nappy i thought why not try adding some extra layers, can’t hurt right?

So the next night, i put River to bed in his wonder suit, a wonder bundle (which is like a sleeping bag with arms that bonds make), another sleeping bag, a sheet, a blanket and a quilt and then when i went to bed at about 10:30 i changed his nappy, gave him a bottle and then put another light blanket over the top.

Drum roll please……HE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!! Not only did he sleep through the night, he hadn’t even moved a muscle when i went it to wake him up at 7, yes i had to wake him up!

I thought maybe at first it was probably a fluke but we’re now on night 5 of him sleeping through and every morning i go in and he’s still tucked up under his covers, which for River the wriggler used to be unheard of.

Really i don’t know why i didn’t think of the whole cold thing before. I actually wrote a post when River was about 3 months old after some mumma’s suggested the Tizzy Hall bedding guide. The guide is basically how to dress your baby for bed and what bedding to use, after i followed the guide the first time River’s sleep improved greatly.

Anywho, River’s sleep is now back to “normal”, i say “normal” because of course my perfect baby sleeps through the night, didn’t you know? Oh, except for when he has an ear infection, a cold, a growth spurt, is hungry, is cold or has wet through his nappy (so basically he sleeps through about 10% of the time) so i guess we’ll see what pops up next time to muck it all up again!

10 months – its not all bad!

So i feel like a lot of the time i talk about all the bad things that are happening with my little River man and sometimes neglect to mention all the cool, new, amazing things that he’s been achieving!

This month in between throwing tantrums and whinging his head off, River has managed to tick off a few awesome new skills!

River can now wave at people it’s so cute and totally melts my heart. I wish i could say i was the first person he waved at but that top honour goes to his dad. It happened at daycare about 3 weeks ago, i went to pick him up and Belinda, the daycare lady said he waved at Jamie this morning. I kinda didn’t believe it, thought it was probably a fluke, then as we were leaving, i said “say goodbye to Belinda” and he waved! Then the next morning as i was saying goodbye he waved at me, it was just the best thing and put a smile on my face all day and now he waves all the time.

He claps, well, he’s always sort of clapped but i’m pretty sure he didn’t really know what he was doing, but now he’ll see me clapping and he’ll join in, or a song will come on that he likes and he’ll stand up and start clapping…to cute!

He now also high 5’s, well, it’s more of a low 5 but it’s definitely happening, I hold out my hand, say high five and he slaps my hand…awesome!

He’s started pointing at things that he wants, if he wants his water he points at it and i give it to him. It’s great, it’s starting to slowly take some of the guess work out of things and each day he’s pointing at more and more things.

River now stands up all by himself for  long period’s of time. I used to probably get just a few seconds out of him, but now he’ll stand for a good 20-30 seconds and it’s getting longer each day! He’s now also an absolute master at standing up and walking while he holds onto things, i’m sure walking can’t be to far away.

As well as the new skills, River has also cracked 2 more teeth, i think they’re called the eye teeth, the 2 right next to his front top teeth.

So i guess as i write this, i’m realising just how much he’s been learning over the past month and i guess it’s understandable he’s been so crabby and all over the place, it must be hard work learning all these new things. It’s hard to remember sometimes while they’re screaming their head off or waking up 50 million times a night, just how much must be going on in their little baby heads.

 

It’s a combo, clapping and standing by himself!

Mr 10 months i am not enjoying you!

In about a week and a half River man will turn 11 months, and i have to say it can’t come soon enough, seriously 10 months old has not been fun!

In saying that 11 months could be just the same but i’m praying to the baby gods it isn’t!

River started sleeping through the night again from about 8 months, it was awesome, then boom, just as River turns 10 months he starts waking through the night again. After nearly 2 weeks of being woken up about every 3hrs (who swapped my 10 month old for a new born??), River woke up with a really high temperature. Off to the doc’s we went and sure enough he had an ear infection. He was prescribed drops, as luckily it hadn’t reached his middle ear as yet so he didn’t need antibiotics, but holy hell is it hard putting ear drops into a baby.

I literally had to hold his little arms down, while Jamie held his head and tried to put the drops in, he screamed bloody murder every time it was horrible. Thankfully he recovered fairly quickly from the ear infection but just as that cleared up, the teething started, i actually think it probably started around the time he started waking up through the night but it really jumped up a notch around week 2 of being 10 months and he finally cut another 2 teeth through (for a grand total of 6 little toothy pegs).

I finally got a bit of relief from the sleepless nights around 5 days ago when River finally started to sleep through again. It started off well and slowly declined again. I got 2 nights of sleeping right through from about 7pm till 7am, then there was 2 nights of sleeping through except waking once at about 10:30pm for a feed then last night he woke up at 10pm and midnight and wouldn’t go back to sleep, i ended up rocking him and after about 4 or 5 failed attempts at putting him down and half an hour or so later, i just gave up and walked out the door, he literally cried for about 2 mins and went to sleep.

So judging by the last couple of nights, tonight is going to be fun! It’s already got off to a crappy start with it taking me nearly an hour an a half to get him to sleep. I let him cry for about 15mins before it got to just pure screaming, so i went in, as soon as i picked him up he put his little head on my shoulder and went to sleep. I rocked him for about 5 mins and put him down, as soon as he realised i was putting him down he woke back up and started crying again, so up he went, back on my shoulder. The kid must be pushing at least 12kg’s these days and oh my god by arms were killing me, but every time i went to sit down he would start to cry, seriously child, what’s the difference between sitting and standing besides mummy’s dead arm!

We did this back and forth dance for a while and eventually (after me losing my cool a little) he went to sleep. I am absolutely dreading what tonight’s going to bring because as well as being sleep deprived i also have a hideous cold…aghhh!

Oh and to top the whole 10 moths old thing off nicely, River has now perfected his tantrum throwing. He arches his back, shakes his head back and forth and kicks and screams, it’s absolutely glorious and not at all embarrassing (note the sarcasm).

I just really didn’t know that i would be in for tantrums so early on in my parenting career, i thought i at least had the first year tantrum free with a somewhat perfect angel child…bahaha very funny! Today he got himself so worked up because i took him away from the dirty bin (i know i’m such a terrible mum) that he just lay on the ground kicking and screaming.

I’m actually finding it quite difficult to deal with, i feel as though it’s my fault he’s behaving the way he is, i mean, deep down in my heart of hearts i know he’s only 11 months old and it’s probably just him just testing out his new found emotions and feelings but i do hope he sorts them out an calms down soon.

I think my worst nightmare being a parent, is being the mum of the “naughty kid” at daycare or school. All i want for River is for him to be a good kid, have manners, be compasionate and be respectful of everyone and evrything around him, i’m going to try my hardest to make this happen and lead by example.

So to round it up, 10 months has brought me countless sleepless nights, ear infections, crazy tantrums, lots of whinging and whining, teething and a cold.

Oh dear baby gods (if there is such a thing) please bring back the easy, breezy child of months gone by, make the last month leading up to River turning the big one just a little bit easier, i don’t want much, maybe just halve the tantrums a bit, chuck in a few more sleep filled nights and you can hold the ear infections and colds. I’m hopeful for the future…come on 11 months old, you can’t be any worse (i know i’m going to regret saying that).

 

Cheekiest boy!!! Love him to bits xx

 

 

Are you maternal??

I just saw a post on my personal Facebook feed, it read a little like this…I’m pregnant and not feeling maternal at all…is that bad?

The post really hit a nerve with me, i’ve never said this before to anyone but during my pregnancy and immediately after River’s birth i definitely felt that way, i was scared that maybe i wasn’t a maternal person at all, what if i didn’t love my own child? I was ashamed about these feelings and i felt very guilty.

When you’re pregnant everyone’s always saying, “oh you must be so excited?” and “it’s amazing how much you can love something you’ve never met, isn’t it?”, i would always smile and say yes.

Of course i was excited, but more so towards the end of the pregnancy, in the beginning it took me a while to accept that i was pregnant, that i was growing a tiny little human in my belly and my life and body were going to change forever.

River wasn’t a planned pregnancy, that doesn’t mean now, he is any less loved, seriously, that kid couldn’t be any more loved but i think perhaps that might have had a lot to do with the way i was feeling.

How can you love something straight away, when it’s something you never knew you wanted? I mean having a baby was so not on my radar at all, my baby plans were at least 5 years down the road.

I think maybe if it was something i’d been trying for and really planned for i might have had that instant bolt of love that everyone talks about, but for me it just wasn’t there, it took a while.

Even as i watched my body change and my bump started to get bigger, i would have my good days and my bad days. Sometimes i would be really happy with my new shape and i just couldn’t wait to meet the new addition and sometimes i would look at my self and just break down, blaming this precious baby for making my body “fat and ugly”.

I had a very difficult birth, it was 22hrs and River flipped to a posterior position half way through (spine to spine) which meant i was getting this horrendous pain down my back as well as in my front and radiating down my legs. I pushed for an hour and a half and he was so big that he got stuck so they had to do this crazy manoeuvre thing on me to pop him out. When he came out and they put him on my belly i remember looking down at him and not knowing what to do, i found it hard to connect with him because i was so exhausted. I thought that when you had the baby, you cried tears of joy and told the them how much you loved them, i cried tears of relief and forgot to even ask what sex he was.

They quickly took him away because he was very stressed from being stuck and i just lay there with no baby…i do feel i was robbed of that connection time with River because he was taken away from me. The next time i would see him would be an hour or 2 later when he was in special care.

I was wheeled in and i put my head down next to his and i looked, i studied his little swollen face and i couldn’t believe he was mine, it didn’t feel like he was mine, where was that instant connection? The wave of love? I mean, i knew i loved him but it wasn’t an overwhelming love yet, it wasn’t like i imagined it would be.

I kept all my feelings to myself, i didn’t think anyone would understand, i felt like they’d think i was a bad person or a bad mum, i was scared and confused.

The next morning i woke up and i had butterflies in my tummy, i think the love had grown while i slept, i pretty much ran down the hall to the special care unit and bust through the doors, “Where’s River Laidlaw?” I peered into his crib, it was a surreal experience (it’s amazing what a bit of sleep can do), that was my baby, he was mine and i loved him.

Every second, every minute, every hour from that point on my love grew. I still couldn’t believe he was mine, but i still have moments like that now.

Now i’m sure all the crazy hormones which are running through our bodies during pregnancy have a lot to answer for but i think the maternal thing is different with each person and circumstance. If you’re not feeling it through pregnancy it’s ok, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s normal. I can pretty much guarantee once that beautiful child is in your arms though, you’ll feel it, it may start of little at first, like me, but with every smile, every little noise and every tiny clutch of his fingers around yours, it grows, it grows so much you think you’re going to burst at times, you just want to squeeze their little cheeks off, it’s a love which has no explanation.

Did anyone else feel this way?

Me in fairy land, thinking…”So you’re my son”

The next day…day 1 of our lives together, day 1 of my love growing

The absolute love of my life!

A reflection on motherhood so far

River man turned 10 months old the Monday just gone, it got me reflecting on all the amazing, wonderful, roller coaster of emotions that has been the last 10 months. There’s been extreme highs and teary lows and i wouldn’t change a thing, however i have to say, in the beginning, the journey wasn’t all cheeky grins and giggles.

Motherhood for me in those first, 6-8 weeks was hard. It was a shock to my system. People always tell you it’s going to be difficult but you just can’t imagine how much so until it happens. Now don’t get me wrong, that sentence sounds like i was a miserable sad sack the whole time, tearing my hair out, well that wasn’t entirely the case, i was definitely on cloud 9 looking after my precious miracle, but sometimes it was hard and i think it’s ok to admit that it was hard and you’re not always going to be “loving motherhood“.

In those first few weeks the dreaded sleep deprivation is a killer! I had some horrible moments where i would be siting in bed at 3am, baby on the boob for what seemed like forever, about 2 hrs sleep under my belt and i’d just be sobbing. I’m not going to lie, i thought to myself…what did i get myself into, was i really ready for this? Maybe i should have waited…But in reality, are you really ever  ready for a baby? There is no way to prepare, no classes you can take the will limber you up for the lack of sleep you’re going to get, i really think the important thing for new mums or all mums really, is to know that, that feeling is normal, the whole sleep deprivation thing, the hormones, feeding, it’s a lot to get used to, but you do get used to it, it gets easier it just takes some time, trust me i’ve been there.

In the very first weeks of having little man home, i wanted to go out, i wanted to show him off to the world, but after a few stressful trips to the shops which ended with River screaming because he was hungry, me, freaking out, frantically trying to find a parents room and my boobs bloody leaking everywhere, i felt like it would just be easier for me to stay at home. It was all a bit overwhelming, I thought i’d never leave the house again and i wondered when my life would get back to “normal”, the simple answer was…it wouldn’t…but not in a bad way, it would take on a new kind of normal, one that involved, planning, routine and packing of the baby bag, but you know what, i got there and now going out isn’t such a scary experience, in fact most of the time i rather enjoy it.

In those early weeks, i was so unsure of what i was doing, i doubted everything, it hurt my head trying to figure out why River was doing this, that and the other thing. Things are easier now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, i think for me it came around 8 months. I mean things do get easier each month as you get to know your little human but for River at 8 months things just clicked, the witching hour disappeared, he started really interacting with us, he started sleeping better (sometimes), he started dancing, he mastered crawling and standing up, things became, well, easier.

When River was very little, I always wondered if he loved me or if he even knew who i was, now he’s older i’m definitely feeling the love, i can’t explain how good it feels to have your baby, your own little creation wrap his little baby arms around you and squeeze, he loves me, he really loves me!

River has made me a better person, it’s hard to believe that something so small can bring so much joy, light and love into my life.

I was absolutely born to be River’s mum, to teach him, guide him and to help him respect the world and those around him.

In 2 months River will be 1 year old, when they say babies grow so fast, they weren’t kidding, i wish i could stop time, but i can’t, so i just want to make sure that i’m always present and that i’m in the moment more.

My precious baby, the last 10 months have been an absolute blast, you are my world and my reason for living and i will love you always.

 

Seems like yesterday River was this small – 1 week old!

My big, little man – 10 months old – growing up way to fast!

Eye Eye Captain!

Sunday’s are my favourite day, Jamie’s home, we usually hang out in bed playing with River for a while, then we go get breakfast, check out the markets or stroll around Burleigh, it’s usually just a nice chilled out family day…my favourite day.

But last Sunday was one of the worst day’s i’ve ever had. I woke up, opened my eyes slightly, then rolled over to give Jamie a big cuddle, as i opened my eyes further i noticed everything was blurry, i shut my eyes again, gave them a rub and opened them, again everything was double and blurry. Jamie had got up to get River and i just lay there starring up at the ceiling trying to focus my eyes…they wouldn’t focus.

I got up, stumbled out to the lounge room and switched in the T.V, i starred at the tele which there was now 2 of and i tried hard to focus my eyes. I covered one eye and everything went back to normal, i covered the other eye and everything was fine but as soon as both eyes where uncovered everything went into double vision…it was horrible!

I sort of thought maybe it would go away, maybe my eyes where just having a moment and they just needed a bit of time to focus, but after an hour of stumbling around i decided i definitely needed to go get it checked out, so we went off to the optometrist, thank god they were open on Sunday.

I managed to get dressed and put some make up on, which is seriously hard when you’re seeing double. We got to the shops and this is where the headache set in which i still have a week later, walking through a crowd when you have double vision is like walking through a crowd with vertigo and motion sickness, i had to hold onto Jamie’s arm, i had a cracking headache, i felt sick and it felt like the world was moving around.

We got to the optometrist and thankfully i got in pretty quickly, he did a bunch of tests and the good news was my eyes where very healthy, the bad news was he had no idea what was wrong. He told me to go home, put my feet up, take some Panodol and hopefully it would go away, if it didn’t i had to go back in the next day.

Well, the night before the double vision had set in River’s bowel movements decided to change and he started waking up at about 3am with a big, stinky, pooey nappy. So that night i went to bed, i crossed all my fingers and toes that i would wake up better in the morning, i nodded off to sleep and right on cue at about 3am i heard River cry, i stumbled out of bed, literally, and made my way to River’s room, as soon as i opened the door the smell hit me in the face, i went back out, switched the bathroom light on and went back in, i seriously could barely see, River was screaming and i was changing a nappy by touch (something i don’t recommend). I think i used about 15 baby wipes because i couldn’t see if i had got all the poo off, i finally managed to get a nappy on and thank god for bonds wonder suits as i didn’t have to wrangle a thousand clips, I got him back in his sleeping bag, gave him a quick bottle and he went off to sleep.

The next day i woke up and everything was the same…double vision. Luckily my sister had the day off work so she could take me to my optometrist appointment, because another pain to this whole thing was i couldn’t drive. That morning River did 3 massive poo’s before bloody 10am it was a killer and just doing the simplest things like watching River play or trying to feed him where just so hard, anything that required me to look at something gave me a huge headache, it was the strain that was being put on my muscles trying to focus which was doing the damage.

My appointment came around and the optometrist did the same tests as the day before and there were no changes so she referred me to an eye specialist immediately. Luckily there was one in the centre, who knew there was an eye specialist at Robina. Anyway i got in, she did a few more tests and finally came to the conclusion that there was a muscle in my eye which had stopped working for some reason. She said it could be a few things but she wanted to rule out anything to do with my brain first. As soon as she mention brain i got a lump in my throat, it really scared me, what if it was something in my brain?

I went out and told the receptionist i had to have an MRI brain scan and she phoned around and the earliest she could get me in was Saturday, today was Monday so i was going to have to wait 5 days to find out if something was horribly wrong with my brain, that is a long time to think and be worried about something so serious.

All i can say is thank god for mums! After i told my mum how long i had to wait she got to work phoning all the MRI places on the Gold Coast and like the amazing women she is, she got me in the next day!

That night was horrible, my mind was racing full of all the worst possible scenarios. I kept thinking what if it’s a tumour or cancer, what if something happens, how will Jamie handle being a single father, River will never know who i am, i’ll never get to see River grow up, never get to see him play his first sport, have his first day of school, wait at the end of the aisle and see his face as his bride arrives, i was a absolute mess. When you have a child, everything is just different, it’s not you anymore it’s your family, life is just so much more important.

The next day, i was woken up at about 4:30am by Jamie throwing his guts up, seems he’d caught a tummy bug so he decided to have the day off work, the timing was kind of perfect though as i needed him to drive me to the MRI in Southport, we both went back to bed and when we woke up at about 7am he wasn’t feeling to bad. I had already organised my dad to come around and look after River for us which was good.

We headed off to the MRI and we waited for what seemed like forever but i finally got called to go in. I lay on the table and they put these big headphones on me as the machine is very loud, the room seemed like something out of an alien abduction movie, there were purple lights everywhere it was all a bit daunting. They pushed me in and it all took about an hour, i had to lay very still, it was very loud, it sound like there were loud electrical current rushing over me or something. Again, this alone time wasn’t good, there were times i could have just lay there sobbing but i tried to keep it together.

After the MRI i called the specialist and made an appointment for the next day.

The next day mum had taken the day off work to take me back to the specialist (thanks mum), when we arrived for the appointment the receptionist said the doctor was in surgery so she would call me when she was out. About an hour later i got a call it was the receptionist again, she said the doctor didn’t need to see me today as she wanted me to see another specialist the next day however she could report my brain was very healthy!! I seriously can’t explain the sense of relief i felt, i was so happy and a weight was immediately lifted from my shoulders.

The next day i was back at the specialist again and the other doctor saw me, he specialised in nerves of the eye. He did a few tests to see if there was any nerve damage and luckily there wasn’t. The two doctors conferred for a moment and they decided what the problem could be is there is a muscle in the eye which threads through this bit of bone called the trochlea and they believe where the muscle threads through is stuck so it can’t move freely which is causing the double vision. She said it’s quite an uncommon problem and she prescribed me some strong anti inflammatory’s and said i should come back in 5 days. I thought wow, what a simple fix for a problem which has been such a pain in the ass.

Well i’m now on day 4 of the anti inflammatory’s and so far there has been absolutely no change and to top it off i now have the sorest neck because if i tilt my neck to the side it sort of clears my vision a bit. This has been the worst week medically of my life! I’ve always been super healthy and i’ve never had any problems with my eyes. It’s amazing how much you take things like your sight for granted i can’t wait till i can see again, i can’t explain how horrible this is.

I’m back to the specialist again next week and i really hope i can get some more answers. Trying to run a household and look after a small baby with double vision is just the worse. I shall keep you all posted and i’m sorry if there is spelling mistakes or grammatical errors i’ve literally written this with one eye!